


Fortnight to Yuletide

by goldberry-in-the-rushes (thepottermalfoyproblem)



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Sex, Dori being very done with everything, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Jail Sex, M/M, Pre-Quest of Erebor, Public Sex, Stolen Hats, feelings are hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 16:14:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5423585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepottermalfoyproblem/pseuds/goldberry-in-the-rushes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nori has this knack for getting himself in trouble at the worst possible moments. He’s missed more family functions than he’s attended and now he’s in jail again just in time for Yule. It’s up to Bofur to get him out, since Dori is too busy panicking over seating charts and tea blends. Plus it’s someone else’s turn anyway. The only problem is, the guards only release prisoners to family members. It’s time to get creative.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fortnight to Yuletide

**Author's Note:**

  * For [avi17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/avi17/gifts).



> This was written for Have a Happy Hobbit Holiday 2015.
> 
> AN: I don't own anything, and Tolkien is probably rolling in his grave right now. I'm not sorry.

The last thing Dori needed at the moment was a distraction. Only two weeks remained until the annual Ri Family Yule Celebration and there were still too many things left terrifyingly undone.  Invitations had to be sent out, which meant that Ori had to write them. Ori couldn’t write anything until he passed his Scrivener Guild entry exam, which meant Dori had to wait at least another two days before anything was ready for the post. Meanwhile, even after a decade of throwing this party on his own, people still kept telling him how his mother had done everything differently. Even though she hadn’t.

Really, the situation was quite maddening. And Dori did NOT need a distraction.

So he was more than a little annoyed when a heavy knock sounded on the front door while he was in the middle of writing up yet another list of things he needed to do before the week was up. Grumbling loudly, he pushed back from the table and stumped over to the door, flinging it open with a creak of abused hinges. The town guard on the other side made a rather alarmed squeak in the face of Dori’s wrath. _He must be new, they always send the new ones._

“Can I help you?” He said, just barely managing not to growl. One Ri brother terrorizing the guard on a regular basis was more than enough.

The guard gained his composure with admirable speed, but his voice still shook as he spoke. “Guard-captain Damiz sent me. She said to tell you that your brother is in lock-up again and that the bail is the same as last time.”

Dori sighed and rubbed at his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. “What’s he done this time?”

“I’m not sure, Master Ri, there was some talk around the jail about some silver inkwell or something. Look, are you coming with me or not? It’s cold as Balkûn’s tits out here and I’d rather like to get back to my post.” He looked miserable, and Dori had a small twinge of sympathy for the poor kid.

“Tell my brother I’ll collect him tomorrow. He knows better than to get caught while I’m in the midst of planning the Yule Celebration. A night in the town jail will do him more good than my springing him immediately.”

“Right then, I’ll let him know. Have a good Yule Master Ri.” With that, the guard leapt down the front steps and scampered off into the street towards the jail.

Dori shook his head and closed the door to the biting cold. Muttering curses under his breath he sat back down to his growing list of tasks, adding “Get Nori out of jail, again” on the last empty line. Staring at this one more thing to do, he let his head drop heavily to the table, groaning in exasperation.

He heard a creak on the stairs and then Ori’s voice rang out next to him.

“So our dear brother’s gotten himself arrested, again.” There was a clink of ceramic and metal as he slid a full teacup next to Dori’s elbow.

“Seems so, Ori.” Dori picked up the tea and lifted it gratefully in Ori’s direction. “I wish he hadn’t picked Yule of all times to get caught but then, the merchant’s guild has been more watchful than usual.”

Ori hummed noncommittally. “I heard you say you were gonna go collect Nori, do you even have time for that? If you don’t, I can swing by the jail tomorrow on my way to my exam.”

“No,” Dori shook his head. “Don’t risk missing the entrance deadline. I’ll figure something out.”

“If you’re sure, _nadad_. You figure that out and I’m going back to running through my shorthand notes. I’m still having trouble remembering the difference between ‘sh’ and ‘ch’ symbols.” Ori clapped Dori on the shoulder and turned back toward the stairs.

Dori growled with frustration as the front door shook with another knock, lighter and faster than their previous visitor, but still an unwelcome intrusion. Ori waved for him to stay seated and went to answer the door. Pulling it open quickly, he stepped to the side as a be-hatted figure tumbled through and blinked owlishly up from where he landed on the floor.

“Hallo, Ori! I’m here to fetch your brother for a pint and a game of cards. He home from his errands yet?” Bofur clambered upright and dusted himself off, looking around the room as he spoke.

Dori dropped his forehead to touch the wood of the table and resisted the urge to scream. Instead he mumbled into the table. “He’s been arrested. Again. I have to go pick him up from the jail tomorrow.”

Bofur frowned, “Don’t you have things to do for the party? Nori said planning’s been driving you batty for a week. That’s why I came over, was gonna get him outta your hair for a while.”

“Well, that’s apparently been handled by Nori himself,” muttered Dori. “At least until tomorrow, when I strangle him for his carelessness.”

“Why don’t you send somebody else to get him? You clearly have too much going on right now.”

“Ori offered, but his exam for the Scrivener’s Guild is tomorrow and I can’t have him chance missing the entrance deadline.” Dori sat back up and scrubbed a hand across his face, but froze when Bofur spoke again.

“I’ll do it.” He shrugged when Dori stared at him. “What? It’s not like I have anything better to do with my time. I can go by the jail first thing in the morning.”

“Why not?” piped up Ori, leaning by the stairs. “It saves us both the trouble of reorganizing our schedules.”

Dori shook his head in exasperation. “Fine, the bail is the same as usual, 2 gold. You can get them out of the jar on the mantle. Nori puts money there for situations like this. To be honest, you could probably leave Nori there a couple more days, just to let it sink in that he really shouldn’t have gotten caught.”

“Nah, I’m not gonna just leave him sitting there. I’ll get him out.” Bofur had the money and was out the door before Ori remembered the flaw in their plan.

“Bofur’s not related to us, how is he going to get Nori out?”

“I’m sure he’ll figure something out. He’s got a fortnight ‘til Nori really needs to be home.”

\-----

Sleeping on a thin straw pallet over a cold stone floor in the dead of winter was not Nori’s favorite pastime. In fact, it ranked very high on the list of “Nori’s least favorite things in the whole world”. He would rather sleep outside, under a bush with a rabid warg for company than sleep in this cell one more night.

Never mind the fact that he had only been in this cell one day. Fortunately, the guards had said Dori would be there to pick him up soon and he would be home before lunch. Sitting against the wall, he methodically shredded a piece of straw, tossing the tiny pieces across the cell when they were too small to work with. He straightened up and leaned to peer out from between the bars when he heard the front door of the jail open. He barely had line of sight from his cell, but he could tell from the footsteps and flickering shadows that the visitor wasn’t Dori.

 _Probably here to pick up somebody else._ Nori picked up a fresh piece of straw and started shredding it, listening out for the jail’s visitor.

The murmur of voices at the front of the jail had a familiar tone. There was something about bail and family, but he couldn’t make out full sentences. He couldn’t even place why he recognized them until Bofur’s accent grew stronger and louder with his frustration.

“If you don’t believe me and won’t lemme post his bail, I at least have the right to see him!”

More murmurs, this time sounding a bit exasperated, filtered down the hall, and then two sets of footsteps made their way through the jail. Nori pushed himself to his feet, brushing straw flakes off his shirt as Bofur and a guard stopped in front of his cell.

“Good news, lightfingers, your husband’s here to see you.” Nori’s eyes widened in surprise and he willed his jaw not to drop as the guard opened the cell and let Bofur in. “Bang on the bars three times when you want to leave and remember, I’m right down the hall. I’ll probably hear you if you get up to any mischief.” He closed the door and re-locked it, smirking at the two of them. “Enjoy your visit, lovebirds.”

Nori looked at Bofur, flabbergasted. He waited until the guard was out of reasonable earshot before hissing, “My what?”

“Look, they asked me how we were related when I offered to post bail. I panicked.” Bofur shrugged, like it was no big deal.

Nori facepalmed, “Bofur, they know I have two brothers and no other attachments, there was no way they were gonna buy that excuse. Why are you even here, where’s Dori?”

“Dori had a lot to do, and Ori’s exam was today. I stopped by yesterday to take you for a pint and some cards to get you out of Dori’s hair for a while, but you’d already been arrested. So Dori sent me in his stead. I didn’t expect that they’d only let family bail you out.”  

Nori had forgotten about Ori’s exam, but he and Dori both knew better than to send a non-relative to this particular jail. He said as much to Bofur, who shrugged again.

“Maybe they just forgot, they both seemed a little scattered. Dori even suggested leaving you here a few days to teach you a lesson.”

“He would.” Nori sat back down on the floor and motioned for Bofur to sit across from him. “Do you have even the semblance of a plan, or did you think saying you’re my husband would be enough to convince the guard?”

Better question: why was that the first excuse Bofur came up with? Nori decided to avoid touching that question until after he got out of jail. There were more pressing matters to worry about, like the fact that Bofur was shaking his head and explaining that he thought the guards would buy his excuse. Nori wanted to beat his head against the wall.

Instead he held up a hand to silence Bofur. “Since you don’t have a plan, I’ll try to think of one. Sleep on it tonight. If I can sleep.” He cast a glare in the direction of the awful pallet.

“Look, I can go get Dori…”

“Nah, if Dori’s too stressed and busy to come get me himself, then I don’t want him storming in here. I’ve got better chances of survival if I insulted the Guard-Captain’s son.”

Bofur cringed. Damiz was well-known for swiftly and violently defending her two sons from any perceived slight. “You may have a point. But I can’t just leave you here.”

“You’re gonna have to, Bo’.” Nori flicked a piece of straw in Bofur’s direction and grinned when it hit his friend square on the nose. “Nothing we can do about it today, so let’s get the most out of your visit. You still have those cards on you?”

Bofur snorted, “When don’t I have cards on me?” He pulled a worn stack of handmade cards held together with a bit of twine out of his belt pouch and tossed them at Nori. “Loser buys the winner a drink when you get outta here.”

Nori laughed, “Prepare to buy the whole pub dry, my friend.”

\-----

When Bofur arrived back at the jail the next morning, he found Nori lying on his pallet, lazily following the cracks in the ceiling with one pointed finger. Waving away the guard that was headed his way with the keys, he leaned against the bars of the cell and watched his friend. Despite the dusty unkempt cell, Nori’s hair remained perfectly coiffed. You really could tell the severity of a situation by Nori’s hair, the more unkempt it got, the more dire the circumstances.

Bofur snorted at his own thoughts and Nori turned his head towards him, eyebrow raised.

“Were you just going to stand there gazing upon my majesty or did you have something else you wanted?” Nori sat up and rolled his shoulders, grunting as they popped audibly. “I thought about our little predicament last night and came up with a couple solutions.”

“Well, can they be done quickly? Bifur wanted help at his shop today, he’s putting out the rest of his Yule stock. So I can’t stick around the jail for too long.”

“That’s fine, you aren’t getting me out today anyway with what I need you to do.” Nori came over to the bars, a rather uncomfortable look on his face. “I’m pretty sure you know where my stash is, since Dori send you with money for bail, and he only ever gets that out of the emergency stash. Use my stash to get some cheap marriage bands and betrothal beads and bring them by tomorrow. Use the excuse I left them at home and you were bringing them by, maybe drop some sort of quip about my forgetfulness being the reason they didn’t know we were married.”

“Simple enough,” Bofur said, then frowned. “Doesn’t explain the look on your face.”

“Yeah, I’m not sure you’re gonna like this next bit. If just showing them the rings and beads doesn’t work, I’ve got a backup plan.” He paused and swallowed nervously. “If it doesn’t work, we can braid the beads into each other’s hair.”

 _Oh, that would explain the nervousness._ Nori had never really been much for public displays of affection, or really, any displays of affection. He laughed and poked fun when other people were the culprits, Bofur could only imagine how this idea made him feel.

Bofur felt uncomfortable for an entirely different reason. He and Nori had been friends since childhood, and Bofur had long-hidden his less-than-platonic attraction to the thief. Doing something so intimate as braiding each other’s hair could very possibly bring those feelings to the surface. Mahal knew how Nori would react to that revelation. Probably not well.

Instead of displaying his nervousness, Bofur shrugged. “If it helps get you out of jail in time for Yule, I’m ok with it.” His brow furrowed as he considered the matter. “Though… there’s one slight problem. Wouldn’t I already have my beads in?”

Nori swore. “Fuck, I didn’t think of that.” He stared hard at Bofur, eyes narrowing. “You could put them under your hat, in case the guards ask you about them?”

Bofur swallowed, he didn’t like being under Nori’s intense scrutiny. “Aye, I could do that.”

“Good.” Nori nodded with satisfaction, drawing closer to the bars, eyes darting down the hall towards where the guard was posted. “One last thing before you go.” He wrapped his hands around the bars and stood up on his tiptoes. Bofur blinked at the sudden closeness, taking in the flush of Nori’s cheeks underneath his beard and the way he licked his lips nervously.

“What are you doing, Nori?” he hissed, guessing that whatever it was, the guard down the hall had something to do with it.

“Adding to the show. Whatever you do, don’t act surprised. I’m going to kiss you and then you are going to act like it is the most normal everyday thing.” Nori whispered.

Bofur barely had time to react to this new information before Nori was pressing his soft dry lips over his own, one hand slipping through the bars to gently cup Bofur’s cheek. For all Nori’s dislike of public affection, the kiss was gentle and lingering. Bofur felt his eyes flutter shut despite himself and he absentmindedly tilted his head to get a better angle. Then the kiss was over. Nori stumbled backward looking a little shocked at his own actions while Bofur resisted the urge to reach up and feel his now tingling lips.

Instead he, far too easily, smiled fondly at Nori and said, “I’ve got to get to Bifur’s now, he’s probably wondering where I am.” Nori just nodded and Bofur wondered how much energy it had taken to kiss him. The thought left a sour feeling in his stomach.

“I’ll be back later.” Bofur turned to go, then had a thought halfway to the door. He called back down the hall, “If you would just leave your braids in while you work, you wouldn’t have left your beads at home!”

There was a second of silence then, “And what? Have some other thief steal them right off my head, I think not!”

Bofur rolled his eyes, but was laughing as he left the jail. He missed the contemplative way Nori’s hand stole up to his mouth after the door swung closed behind him.

\-----

True to what he told Nori, Bofur spent the morning helping Bifur in his shop. He also spent the morning in a heightened state of nerves, trying to decide what style of rings to commission. Too fancy, and Nori would probably refuse them. Too plain, and Bofur would feel guilty about the missed opportunity.

Even through his preoccupation with the store, Bifur noticed his cousin’s distraction and started signing to him as they straightened shelves. At first Bofur tried to blow the problem off, but Bifur’s persistence won out.

“It’s embarrassing,” he muttered, resisting the urge to slam figurines onto their shelves with unnecessary force. “I’m just trying to get a friend out of jail and next thing I know I’m pretending to be married to the dwarrow! Doesn’t help that he’s bloody attractive.”

Bifur raised one unsympathetic eyebrow and signed, “ _And that is a problem, how_?”

“I want to stay friends with him after this is all over, that’s how. I got us into this mess, the least I can do is get him out. Hopefully with some scraps of dignity left.”

Bifur snorted, “ _Sure, rings and beads speak volumes about your dignity_.”

“Blame Nori for that stellar idea.” Bofur sighed, and thoughtfully slid a small cedar fox onto the shelf. “To be honest, cousin, I haven’t the faintest what I’m doin’. I’d kind of imagined giving these to Nori under very different circumstances. Fewer iron bars, more tankards of ale, that sorta thing.”

At Bifur’s raised eyebrow, Bofur continued quietly, leaning against a shelf and refusing to make eye contact. “I commissioned the beads a while ago. I’m no jeweler, but Bombur’s betrothed offered to help me engrave the set. And I carved a wooden bead for Nori to wear when he’s working. Yes, I know, it’s dumb. Please don’t make fun of me.”

Bofur looked through the fringe of his hair, expecting any expression but the fond smile on his cousin’s face. “ _That’s thoughtful, cousin. He should appreciate the sentiment._ ”

Bofur felt his lips quirk in a wry grin. “This is Nori we’re talking about, sentiment isn’t exactly a concept applied to him.”

Bifur shrugged and waved for Bofur to run his errands before turning back to organizing a display case.

\-----

Opting not to raid Nori’s small stash to fund his errands, Bofur plundered his own store that he had set aside. Ostensibly meant for a rainy day, but he was deluding himself if he thought it was for anything other than presents for Nori. He could always ask for everything back once this farce was over, but he was a terrible (albeit fake) husband if he didn’t provide the best he could afford.

Since he already had the beads, stored under his floorboards in a small wooden box, he only had to commission the rings. Simple silver bands would do, but most dwarrow put more effort into their marriage bands. After agonizing all morning, Bofur had come to the decision to commission wide bands with runes depicting their first meeting. It amused him, and he hoped that it would also entertain Nori.

The jeweler Bofur found appeared less impressed. Bofur supposed engraving, “Give me back my hat. No, it’s my hat now.” onto matching marriage bands was not the highlight of his career.

 “Wouldn’t you rather something traditional? Fate strands are popular this year.”

Bofur, though not very interested in changing his design, asked, “What’s a fate strand?”

“Oh, it’s a little something I picked up when I was doing some trading with the Shire-folk.” The jeweler said, thinking he might be able to ensnare Bofur after all. “They have these patterns that they make with string and every knot has a special meaning. The pattern that invokes fate or chance just happens to be a circle so I integrated it into a ring design. It’s become my bestselling piece.”

Bofur tilted his head in thought. Nori would more than likely give the ring back once he got out of jail but he would probably appreciate the humor in invoking fate.

“How much more would it cost to get fate strands, but still have rune etching on the inside of the ring?” he asked.

The jeweler shrugged, “A few more copper and a little time. I’ve already got a few of these rings made, since everybody seems to want one.”

The two settled on a price and Bofur promised to be back the next day to check on progress. The jeweler, already lost in mapping out runes, merely grunted in acknowledgement.

\-----

It took two days for Bofur to get back to the jail. Not because he suddenly became overwhelmed with things to do, but because the rings took time and he spent rather a long while psyching himself up for the visit.

The morning after the rings were completed, Bofur woke up early and dug under the floorboards for a well-worn box. Pulling it out, he flipped open the lid and trailed his fingers across the assortment of beads inside. Nestled alongside the silver ones he had etched and the lone wooden bead were some of the beads that had belonged to his parents. They had been laid to rest with the beads they had given each other while courting, but other pieces they had collected over the years remained in this box. Iron and bone and semi-precious stone glimmered up at him, and he shut his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath to counteract the guilt gnawing at his gut.

Picking up his mother’s favorite, a small jade ball given her for her first century, he rubbed it between his fingers. Bofur had often seen her playing with this bead when she wanted a bit of luck. He could do with some luck now.

With trembling fingers, he took out his customary braids, hair falling about his face in a tangled mess. Separating a small bit from the top of his head, he braided in the jade bead and one of the two silver beads. As he pulled his hair back into its normal style, Bofur tried to ignore the small voice in the back of his mind telling him it should be Nori braiding this bead in for the first time. Tried and failed, but more successfully ignored the prick of tears in the corners of his eyes. Crying wouldn’t get Nori out of jail in time for Yule.

Fishing the other two beads out of the box, he gazed down at them as they rested in his palm. He hadn’t lied to his cousin when he’d said he’d imagined things differently. After he’d made the dratted things he’d carried them in his pocket for a month, working up the nerves to give them to Nori. No opportunity had presented itself, and, after one particularly memorable evening highlighted by Nori tossing ale in the face of a drunken suitor and telling him romance had no place in his life, Bofur had stored the beads away.

He sighed heavily, letting the beads slide off his hand and into the small box with the rings he had fetched from the jeweler’s. They were beautiful, complex pieces that should have been harbingers of momentous events. Bofur felt almost guilty about using them to spring Nori. However, like tears, guilt wouldn’t get him out in time for Yule.

Slipping the larger of the two rings onto his left hand and shivering at the cold touch of unfamiliar metal, Bofur headed towards the jail. Even though no one could see the beads under his hat he felt exposed and nervous, so he breathed a sigh of relief when he closed the door of the jail behind him. Pasting a friendly smile across his face, he strolled up to the guard on duty.

“I’m here to bail out my husband,” he said, sweeping his hat off his head to reveal his beads. He even used his left hand, angled so the ring would catch the light.

The guard didn’t even look up from the papers he was reading. “Captain Damiz said you’d come by sometime. She also said she doesn’t believe you and isn’t going to surrender the thief without proof. But you can visit him.”

Bofur frowned and crammed his hat back onto his head, “I’m bringing him the beads he left at home, as well as his ring. That has to count for something.”

“Sure, I’ll pass the information along to the captain, but until she gives the word, the thief stays here.” He reached under the desk and fished out a ring of keys. Lazily getting to his feet, he led Bofur down the hall to Nori’s cell, where he banged on the bars.

“Rise and shine, your ‘husband’s’ here to see you.”

“That mean you’re gonna let me out now?” Nori walked over to the bars, raising an eyebrow expectantly at the guard.

“Nope,” he unlocked the cell and let Bofur in before re-locking it. “You know the drill, bang on the bars when you want to leave. I’ll be right down the hall.”

He sauntered off and Bofur let out an exasperated huff of breath. “Apparently we have to wait for Captain Damiz’s opinion on jewelry for the guards to be arsed about any of this.”

“So I heard,” said Nori dryly. “Best get on with it then.”

“Aye, here.” Bofur fished a wooden box out of his pocket and shoved it towards Nori. His friend raised an eyebrow, but took the box and flipped the lid open.

Nori went utterly still when he saw what rested inside. Two beads, engraved with Bofur’s favorite pattern, sat enclosed in the circle of a large silver ring. Slowly, he picked up the ring and spun it between his thumb and forefinger, examining the intricate loops on the outside. Then the etchings on the inside caught his eye and his chest suddenly seemed tight with some unnamed emotion.

“It’s my hat now,” he whispered, swallowing hard and slipping the ring onto his finger so he didn’t have to look at the words any longer. He had thought Bofur had forgotten. Mahal’s balls, he’d hoped Bofur had forgotten. That particular meeting had been a complete disaster, the remnants of Nori’s last failed attempt at normalcy surrounding him in the detritus of empty tankards and the raw bruise across his cheek where his former partner had slapped him. Something about being an “unfeeling self-centered bastard.”

After that, he’d completely sworn off any relationships that came with more attachment than the occasional fuck. They tended to be messy, uncomfortable things that left his personal life exposed like an open wound. A bit not good for a professional thief and liar. Stealing Bofur’s hat had been a way to distract himself, and then the damn dwarf never left. Nori had not expected to be so completely, inexplicably drawn towards the scruffy, unkempt miner with a drinking problem and a presence as cheery as sunlight.

And Nori only half-meant Bofur’s personality, his awful fashion sense also tended to brighten up a room.

Said owner of terrible fashion sense was also looking at him with concern, “You alright?”

Nori hastily cleared his throat, praying his beard covered the flush in his cheeks, “Yeah, just wondering how much of my stash it took to get this. I thought I said cheap rings?”

Bofur glanced away nervously, “I, uh, had some money tucked away for a rainy day, figured getting you free was as good an excuse as any.”

Nori took a closer look at the beads still nestled in the box, “I hope you didn’t spend all your savings on me, etching like this takes a lot of time and concentration. And why are there two of them, did you not put yours in already?”

“I’ve got mine in,” Bofur chuckled and took off his hat to point at the beads gracing his hair. “I didn’t spend any savings on them, I made them years ago. They aren’t doing me any good moldering in a box under my floorboards, so I thought we could use them.”

“Who’d you make them for?” The words left Nori’s mouth before he could stop them, he really didn’t want to know who else had been in Bofur’s life.

“It doesn’t matter, he wasn’t interested.” Bofur’s response should have made Nori feel sorry for him, but all he felt was unexpected relief.  Fortunately, Bofur didn’t seem to notice the tension bleed out of Nori’s shoulders. “You gonna put them in or do you want me to do it?”

The tension sprang back like it had never left. _Fuck._ Nori had forgotten that little bit of their plan. He opened his mouth to say he could do it himself, but made the mistake of glancing up at Bofur’s bare head. Silver and jade stood out against his dark hair, glimmering in the light from the hallway. Nori felt a sudden and overwhelming urge to sink his fingers into Bofur’s hair.

“It’s going to take quite a bit of work to get those beads into my hair since I’ll have to take it all down,” he said, thinking quickly about the most likely excuse he could use. “You can put them in then, but only if I can repay the favor.”

Bofur’s brow furrowed in confusion, “But my beads are already in?”

“They’re crooked.” Nori mentally kicked himself, that was the stupidest excuse he had ever used. But Bofur seemed to buy it, settling down on the floor next to the wall with a shrug.

“If you say so,” he replied and Nori let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “I’ll work on some carving while you do that.” Bofur pulled a whittling knife and a half-formed block of wood and set to work, steadfastly keeping his eyes off of Nori’s hair.

Nori felt relived, but also a little cheated. He sat slowly down on top of his pallet, fingers already working at the complex braids. Really, taking his hair down was no big deal. He could do this and not embarrass himself.

Sure, and a mithril vein could be mined in a day. He already felt the heat rising into his cheeks as his hands moved to dismantle his customary braids. This is what he got for braiding his eyebrows into his hair. He got to sit here, listening to the quiet snick of his best friend’s whittling knife, while he carefully took down his hair. He couldn’t do it fast or he ran the risk of hopelessly tangling his eyebrows, which he’d only ever done once and it was the most painful thing he’d ever experienced. So he had to slowly unravel everything and comb his hair flat with his fingers and try not to think about the fact that this was possibly one of the most intimate things he’d ever done (despite the fact no one was naked).

He settled for silently cursing his traitorous cheeks and running his fingers through his hair again to catch any stray tangles. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed that Bofur had gone completely still, eyes wide and knife forgotten.

“Better put that away before you cut yourself, Bofur.” Nori attempted to sound wry, but his voice came out a little thicker than he’d hoped.

Bofur swallowed and tucked the knife back into its sheath. “Ah, probably. I got lost in thought. Wouldn’t do to cut myself now would it?”

“Well, I wouldn’t want you bleeding on my hair,” quipped Nori. “It’s difficult enough to manage as it is.”

Bofur snorted. “If you say so.” He patted the floor in front of him. “Come sit and I’ll put those beads in.”

Nori scooted across the floor of the cell and faced the opposite wall, steadfastly not looking at Bofur’s face. This was already embarrassing enough. He could feel the heat radiating off of his friend against his back. Bofur’s fingers were about to be threading through his hair. How had he ever thought this would be a good idea?

Then Bofur spoke and his mouth was so close that his breath tickled against Nori’s ear. “Is there any particular place you want them, or…”

“Any…” Nori cleared his throat. “Anywhere’s fine.” Bofur hummed in agreement and started separating out a bit of hair from Nori’s right temple. “I meant to ask you, why two beads? Normally it’s just one.”

Bofur didn’t answer at first, and Nori thought maybe he hadn’t heard. But then he spoke quietly. “The dwarf I made them for, he needed something that wouldn’t be flashy. So I made a wooden one for everyday use and a silver one for special occasions. You can pick just one if you don’t wanna wear both.”

Nori shook his head, wincing when the movement pulled his hair.

“Stop that” said Bofur, tugging gently at the braid he was forming. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

“Sorry,” Nori paused for a moment, thinking. “What about you? You have two beads in, but only one matches this set.”

“Oh, the jade bead was my mother’s. It’s supposed to bring good luck, and I thought we could do with some luck today.” Nori rarely heard his friend talk about his parents, they had died in a mining accident shortly before the thief had met him. “She didn’t wear it very often, I wish…” Bofur trailed off and Nori felt a pang of sorrow for his friend.

“You wish she’d worn it more?”

“Aye, I wish that.” Bofur’s voice was suddenly rough. He didn’t say anything else as he slid the beads down the braid he’d made and secured them with a bead-pin. Instead he smoothed one stone-roughened hand over Nori’s hair and wondered how he’d gotten himself into this predicament.

“Come on, switch places with me and I’ll fix your braid.” Nori startled him out of his reverie and he moved to do as he was told without really thinking. Not until he felt Nori gently undoing his braids did it register how close they truly were. True, he’d noticed while working on Nori’s hair, but it was one thing to be behind Nori, away from his scrutiny, and quite another to be at his mercy. Bofur’s blush, which had retreated when reminded of his mother, returned full force and he prayed fervently that Nori couldn’t feel the heat radiating off his ears like a furnace.

Nori, on the other hand, had a hard time keeping his mind to task. Bofur’s hair looked coarse at a distance, but once Nori got closer he found it thick and soft. He wanted to tangle his fingers in it and never let go. Unlike Nori, Bofur had not taken his hair down from its three thick braids, so Nori selfishly took his time gently untangling the strands. If he brushed his fingers “accidentally” against Bofur’s scalp, he certainly didn’t grin and do it again. It was probably his imagination that Bofur bit off a choked sound that seemed awfully close to an embarrassed squeak.

Imaginations were hopeful and deceptive things. At least, that’s what he told himself as he slid two beads, jade and silver, back into Bofur’s hair and retied his friend’s simple hairstyle.

He kept telling himself that right up until Bofur crammed his hat onto his head and banged on the cell bars, crimson flush staining his cheeks and eyes not meeting Nori’s.  Bofur’s subsequent rather frantic flight from the jail said more than any words he could have spoken.

Perhaps some luck remained with Nori after all.

\-----

 _Obviously this luck has nothing to do with my release from jail,_ thought Nori bitterly as he glared at the retreating back of Captain Damiz the following day.

She’d stormed into the jail, had a short chat with the guard on duty, taken a brief glance at his new decorations, and declared herself unconvinced.

Nori hated her.

Of course, he’d always disliked her. She held some sort of unfounded grudge against him, even since the first time he’d been stuck in her clammy jail. Maybe because he’d insulted her jail, or perhaps she just enjoyed his suffering. Whatever the reason, she did not like him one bit and he returned the sentiment.

So why she kept him here, where she had to interact with him on a regular basis, was beyond Nori’s ken. Grinding his teeth in frustration, he pressed his forehead against the bars of his cell and tried to think of another way out.

Physical escape from the jail couldn’t even be considered as an option. He’d tried it once, years ago, and quickly found that Gondamon enjoyed a rather large population of bored guards. Not to mention that ever since his escape they had put him in the cell farthest from the door, giving whichever guard on duty plenty of time to lazily haul his ass back into his waiting cell.

No, the only way Nori got out of this mess was if someone vouched for him. He could ask Bofur to send Dori instead, but since a whole week had passed and Dori hadn’t shown up… well, now his freedom was a matter of pride. Either he concocted a new plan, or he sat here until Damiz got tired of wasting cell space and released him. Likely not until after the New Year, which meant he would miss Dori’s party. Again.

Nori crossed the tiny cell in two strides and flung himself angrily down onto the thin pallet, wincing as he hit the rough stone underneath just a little too hard. He stared hard at the ceiling, watching the torchlight from the hall cast flickering ghostly shadows across the spiderweb fractures in the stone. In his mind he carefully went over every detail from the past week. Guard rotations, scraps of conversation, previous periods of incarceration – nothing could be discounted.

If literally wearing “proof” of his marriage didn’t work, what would? Very little else showed that sort of dedication, aside from getting testimony from a pre-existing family member. And that defeated the purpose of the deception.

“Dedication.” Nori muttered under his breath. A memory stirred in the back of his mind and he frowned as he tried to recall exactly why the word sounded so familiar.

 _Definitely a guard at this jail,_ he thought. _Last year? No, year before. It was… oh. “_ FUCK.” Nori spat out the curse and slammed the side of his clenched fist against the wall. Another prisoner, a rather frequent visitor of the drunk tank, had had a visitor. The sounds coming from his cell left very little to the imagination and the guards hadn’t shut up about it for two days.

 _Can’t afford to pay his bail, what with two kids, but his wife’s sure dedicated if she’s willing to fuck him in a cell that filthy. You couldn’t pay me a week’s wages to do that._ Nori recalled the conversation with perfect clarity now, and, with mounting horror, realized it was the only way.

The resulting string of expletives left even the guard’s ears burning.

It may have taken Nori all night to come to terms with his findings, but working up the nerve to explain why he needed to fake sex with his best friend took most of day. A day in which Bofur never showed up.

So when Bofur appeared in front of his cell doors the next morning with his absurdly cheery smile and ever-present playing cards, Nori could have strangled him.

“Where have you been, _dear?_ ” Nori growled out, putting extra emphasis on the pet name, just to give the smirking guard something to think about. Also because Bofur’s eyes widened a fraction and it amused Nori.

“Ah, well, Bifur had a bit of an unexpected run on the shop yesterday and I couldn’t make it over.” Bofur rubbed the back of his neck with one gloved hand, smile becoming a sheepish grin. He tossed the bundle of cards at Nori, who caught them reflexively. Out of habit he sat down and started mindlessly shuffling them.

“I feel like a game of Elf Maid today, what do you say?” Nori’s voice sounded tense in his own ears, but Bofur only seemed confused by the non-sequitur.

“Uh, I’ve not played that game in a while, but sure?” He raised an eyebrow at Nori as the other dwarf dealt out an appropriate number of cards. “Everything alright?”

Nori grunted and flipped up his cards, picking out the matches.

“I’ll take that as a no.” Bofur set aside his own matches and reached over to steal one of Nori’s cards. “I sure hope you have some sort of plan because I thought about it all day yesterday and came up empty as the drowned mines.” He watched in amazement as Nori actually flinched. “I take it you did, and it’s not good?”

“Aye, and you’re not gonna like it.” Nori pulled a card from the deck and made a face.

Bofur snatched at Nori’s cards again, avoiding the one he’s just put in his hand. “That’s what you said last time, and it wasn’t so bad.”

Nori snorted, “You literally fled my cell.”

A flush rose in Bofur’s cheeks and he ducked behind his cards, “I was embarrassed, ok? I haven’t had someone else touch my hair in a very long time.”

“Then you’re really not going to like this.” Nori set down his cards and took a steadying breath. “We need to fake having sex.

Nori wished he had his little brother’s drawing skills, because he would have loved to immortalize Bofur’s dumbfounded expression. His eyes were comically wide and his mouth gaped open, moving yet no words came out. He shook his head hard a couple times as if to dislodge a thought.

“I beg your pardon?” he said at last, in a tone that brooked no argument.

“Look around you, does this look like a place any sane dwarf would want to have sex?” When Bofur slowly shook his head, Nori continued. “I’ve heard the guards making commentary, they think it takes true “dedication” for a couple to have sex in here. I figure, if we make some noise, maybe get a bit disheveled against the wall in case the guards came looking… I bet it will really help get me outta here.”

“Right…” Bofur said slowly. “And what if it doesn’t work?”

“Then I owe you a whole barrel of the finest Shire-mead.”

“If this asinine plan of yours doesn’t work, and I die from embarrassment, I will haunt you until the world’s rebirth.”

“Deal. So you’ll do it?” Nori attempted not to seem excited. The last thing he wanted to do was scare Bofur off by being a little too into his own plan.

“I… didn’t say that.” Bofur mindlessly shuffled his deck back together, despite the fact they hadn’t finished the game. “Gimme a couple days, I need to think about this.” He shrugged away from Nori’s hand when he reached for his arm.

“It wouldn’t be real,” offered Nori, quietly.

“I know, that’s why I need to think.” With that rather confusing statement, Bofur banged on the bars of Nori’s cell. The guard opened the door, but Bofur barely remembered getting down the hall. He blindly made his way outside, where he stood leaning against the cold stone, gasping at the frigid air and wondering when he had started to cry.

“Damn it, Nori,” he whispered, scrubbing at his smarting eyes with the heel of his palm. “Do you even know what you’re asking me? I don’t know if I can do this if it’s not real.”

\-----

Nori spent two very long and anxious days pacing his cell and cursing his rotten luck. He’d known Bofur would need some time to contemplate his, quite frankly insane, plan. He hadn’t expected the soul-crushing anxiety that came with waiting.

By the time the second day rolled around, Nori had managed to convince himself that Bofur would not be coming back. He’d scared him off, and he’d be stuck here until Dori came to drag his sorry ass out of jail.

Nori started a new cycle of pacing, chewing worriedly on one ragged thumbnail. He could arguably patch things up with Bofur after getting sprung by Dori, that is, if Bofur even wanted to talk to him. Mahal’s bloody beard and balls, what if Bofur never talked to him again? What if Bofur never wanted to _see_ him again? Faking sex had been an awful, terrible idea and Bofur had every right to be angry, but Nori didn’t know what he would do without him.

 _When the fuck did I become so dependent on one dwarf? Why isn’t this frightening me as much as it should? Oh Mahal, what if he doesn’t come back and I have to admit all of this to Dori? Dori’s going to…_ Nori turned again in his pacing and halted, nose to nose with the very dwarf consuming his thoughts.

“Uh, hi?” Nori blinked, suddenly painfully aware of how close Bofur stood.

“You looked a little frantic, so the guard just… let me in. He said you’d been ‘pacing your cell and gibbering like a lunatic’ for the past day?” Bofur looked concerned, and a bit sheepish. “I told him I might have the cure for what ails you, but I made no promises.”

“I was not ‘gibbering’,” said Nori, affronted. “I was merely expressing how much I would like to not be in this cell.”

“Well, we might be able to fix that today.” A flush rose in Bofur’s cheeks and he looked away, clearing his throat nervously.

Nori tried not to act too excited, “So you’ll go through with my plan?”’

“Aye, but there’s a small problem.” Bofur couldn’t meet Nori’s eyes, and that in itself was highly worrisome. “What if the guards come investigating?”

“We already talked about this, Bo’,” said Nori, his voice tinged with confusion. “We look rumpled and ignore them and they won’t take more than a glance.”

“But what if they do, Nori?” Bofur stepped back and shoved at his hat with nervous hands. “This whole desperate plan of yours hinges on my willingness to have sex with you in the filth that is this clammy, uncomfortable jail cell. Unless the guards are blind as bats, they will be able to tell that we aren’t really having sex.”

 _Void take it, Bofur’s right._ Nori spat out a curse under his breath. “And do you have a brilliant solution for this flaw? Since you just agreed to go through with my plan anyway?”

Bofur took a deep breath, and oh Nori did not like the way it hitched. That hitch could mean any number of things, but mostly spelled trouble. Ghastly amounts of trouble.

“What if we give them what they’re looking for?” Bofur’s words came out in a rush and Nori blinked in confusion.

“What?”

“For Mahal’s sake, Nori, why don’t we just have sex and get this farce over with?” Bofur hissed, trying to keep his voice down. At Nori’s expression he laughed humorlessly, “Stunned confusion might be a good look on you, but I need a bit more of an answer than that.”

Nori’s voice came out more a croak than actual words. This was just sex, he could do sex. Sex was meaningless. Normally meaningless anyway, when it wasn’t Bofur looking at him with those damn puppy eyes shaded with his ridiculous hat. The dwarf had no idea what he was doing to him. He swallowed and tried again. “Alright.”

The combination of relief and terror that flashed across Bofur’s face was not reassuring. He stepped hesitantly towards Nori, who rolled his eyes and grabbed the front of Bofur’s tunic, pulling him the rest of the way. They collided in a tangle of limbs and crashing mouths, Nori hitting the cold stone wall with gasp. Hesitation forgotten, Bofur’s fingers already worked at the ties of Nori’s tunic, his mouth sucking bruises into the base of Nori’s neck. Nori let his head fall back and moaned, hands drifting up to thread through Bofur’s hair.

He chuckled as he gently plucked Bofur’s hat from his head instead, “Hey, Bo’, I stole your hat.”

Bofur paused from where he was nibbling a path up Nori’s jaw to purr directly into his ear, “If you damage it, I will kill you in your sleep.”

Those words sent liquid heat sliding down Nori’s spine, and he didn’t even try to stop the whimper that bubbled from between his lips. Bofur’s hat fell from suddenly nerveless fingers, mercifully landing on the straw pallet. A chuckle vibrated against his neck as Bofur started where he had left off, and Nori squirmed.

“Should’a known that would get to you, Nori.” Bofur said, unlacing the final tie and slipping Nori’s tunic from his shoulders. It hung off his arms, forgotten, as Bofur started work on his pants laces.

“I…” Nori gasped as Bofur bit a little harder at his neck. “I always do like it a little rough.”

“Oh really,” Nori could feel Bofur’s smirk against his neck and that would simply not do. Using the element of surprise, the thief flipped them so Bofur was the one pinned between him and the wall. Nori paused a moment to take in the sight of his best friend, lips plump from his kisses, hair disheveled from his fingers, eyes glassy and cheeks flushed from arousal. Also, he was wearing too much clothing.

Nori shrugged his tunic off the rest of the way, nimble thief’s fingers making quick work of Bofur’s lacings. The other dwarf’s hands slid from his shoulders to his waist, pulling him impossibly closer as Nori tossed their tangled tunics somewhere in the vicinity of Bofur’s hat.

Nori felt lightheaded with arousal and thoughts slipped through the cracks, but after a few moments of desperate kissing he managed to pry himself away from Bofur long enough to ask, “So how do we wanna do this?”

Bofur, whose hands steadily slipped further down into the waistband of Nori’s trousers, panted raggedly and nodded in the direction of his discarded clothing. “Should be a vial somewhere in that mess.” Nori dove for the pile, nearly tripping over his own feet when he heard Bofur’s next words. “I shouldn’t need it though. I, ah, prepared for this outcome.”

Nori, vial in hand, stared slack jawed at Bofur. In the back of his mind he noted that the handsome flush that stained Bofur’s cheeks spread down his neck and across his chest. He couldn’t concentrate much on that image though, because the mere thought of Bofur preparing himself to be fucked made him painfully aware of how tight his trousers were becoming, even with the laces half-done. In his mind’s eye he saw Bofur, on his knees with oiled fingers buried between his ass-cheeks, flushed and panting with effort. He groaned and stumbled back to where Bofur leaned against the wall.

“Fuck, Bo’ what are you even doing to me?” he mumbled as he frantically tugged at Bofur’s trouser lacings.

He didn’t expect Bofur to chuckle and press a firm kiss against his brow, “Not sure. I should ask you the same thing, the only reason I didn’t embarrass myself on the way over was fear that you would laugh at my idea.” Bofur looked as if he were going to say something else, but instead he swore loudly as his trousers pooled around his ankles and Nori’s hand wrapped firmly around his cock.

“Augh, stop fucking teasing me, you ass!” he cried out as Nori grinned wickedly and gave him a couple lazy tugs. Bofur’s cock lay warm and heavy in his hand, but he reluctantly let go, spinning Bofur to face the wall. Bofur obligingly leaned against it, fingers twitching towards his leaking prick, but not touching. Not yet.

Nori fumbled with his own trousers and pulled his cock free, slicking it with oil from the vial. “Are you sure?” he said, pressing the blunt tip of one finger against Bofur’s quivering ring of muscle.

“Yes, I’m bloody well sure!” said Bofur, a bit crossly, canting his hips towards Nori and spreading his knees. Nori huffed out an amused breath before sliding his finger into Bofur. His eyes widened a fraction and he withdrew, only to add a second finger. He hadn’t been kidding when he said he had prepared, the tight ring of muscle stretched with ease, the slick slide of oil aiding the way. After a few minutes of ensuring that he was ready, Nori withdrew his fingers completely, wrapping his hands around Bofur’s hips. Taking a steadying breath, he guided his aching cock to the cleft of Bofur’s ass and with one slow slide pressed through the ring of muscle into his friend’s waiting warmth.

Bofur keened, loud and long.

Nori, through the haze of arousal, half heard a stream of expletives filter down the hall, followed by, “I checked on the last set of lovers, it’s your turn.”

Then another voice, “I hate you so much.” Footsteps sounded on the stones, drawing closer. To Nori’s complete astonishment, Bofur moaned louder at the sound, rocking back against him.

Nori reached up and grabbed a fistful of Bofur’s hair, pulling him so his back lay flush against his chest. He bit at the junction of Bofur’s collarbone, snapping his hips forward and driving his cock mercilessly into his ass. “You like that don’t you,” he hissed into Bofur’s ear. “You like knowing that they can hear us? You’re getting off on the fact that there’s a guard coming down the hall right now.” Bofur moaned helplessly, and Nori reached down to grip his cock tightly in his oil-slick fist, letting the momentum of his thrusts drive Bofur forward. He kept on talking, describing to Bofur exactly what the guard would see when he turned to look in the cell.

Bofur wailed a long stream of curses, intermixed with Nori’s name as his back went taunt and he came, muscles clenching vice-like around Nori’s cock. Nori groaned something unintelligible that might have once been Bofur’s name, no longer caring if the guards saw as he spilled into his friend’s ass. The two of them stood there on shaking legs, Bofur’s back to Nori’s chest, both heaving with exertion.

On the other side of the bars, the guard made a disgusted noise and stalked off. Neither dwarf noticed as they stumbled their way to Nori’s thin pallet and collapsed into a heap.

“Well, that was enlightening,” muttered Nori, resolutely not staring at the purpling marks on the base of Bofur’s neck, or the fingernail crescents pressed into his hips.

Bofur, also resolutely not staring at the fingernail scores across Nori’s shoulders, merely grunted, fumbling in his discarded clothes for the rag he knew he’d brought. Cleaning himself up, he tossed the rag to Nori and flung himself back down onto the pallet.

“Think we proved our point?” he said after a long moment of silence.

Nori laughed, “I’ll eat your hat if we didn’t.”

“I’d rather you not, I rather like my hat.” Bofur sounded affronted, but a note of amusement colored his voice.

Nori was just thankful they could still talk to one another.

\-----

The next morning, he wasn’t so sure. Captain Damiz had come and gone, leaving some sort of quiet instruction to the guards, and Bofur still hadn’t shown up to post Nori’s bail. Nori knew of Bofur’s legendary chronic lateness, but that didn’t stop his mind from creating reasons to worry. He lay on his pallet, steadfastly ignoring the ache in his legs from yesterday’s activities. He couldn’t think about that, he had to keep his head clear in case Bofur never showed up and he had to talk a guard into fetching Dori.

Morning moved slowly towards afternoon, and Nori sat up as he finally heard the sound of the jail door opening. A voice mumbled quietly at the front desk and then two sets of footsteps echoed down the hallway. Nori rolled to his feet as the guard and Bofur appeared in front of his cell.

The guard fiddled with his keys for a moment, then pulled the door open. “Captain says you’re free to go, your husband paid your bail.”

Nori near sprinted out of his cell, grabbing Bofur’s arm on his way and dragging him down the hall. “I can’t wait to get out of here, it smells like rancid cat piss.”

Bofur snorted in amusement, but followed without comment as Nori led the way out of the jail. He’d not meant to take his time getting out that morning, but he’d awoken sore in places he didn’t even know existed. Fielding awkward questions from his brother and cousin had been bad enough, he hadn’t wanted to deal with complete strangers seeing him stumble-limp his way to the town lockup. Mostly because he enjoyed the well-fucked feeling of sore muscles and didn’t want to be unfairly judged. Every bit of that would have been embarrassing and awful.

If he’d also spent most of the morning flat on his back lazily “reminiscing,” well… that was his own business.

Nori pulled him out the front of the jail and down the road a bit, before looking over his shoulder and tugging Bofur sideways into an alley.

Bofur managed to yelp, “What the hell, Nori?” before his back hit the cold stone wall and his senses flooded as Nori leaned upwards, pressing a bruising kiss against his lips. It took merely a second for Bofur to relax into his friend’s touch and angle his head so their noses weren’t mashed uncomfortably together. Unfortunately, this movement shook Nori out of whatever thought had caused this unusual display.

He flung himself backwards, panic and horror written in his eyes. “Shit. I’m sorry, Bofur, I shouldn’t have done that.” Bofur reached out with one hand, planning to tell Nori that there was no need to apologize. But Nori flinched away, not meeting Bofur’s eyes.

“I… I’ll see you at the party,” he stammered, before turning and running out of the alley.

Bofur stared after him, confused and a little bit concerned by this abrupt change in behavior. He hadn’t meant to raise his own hopes, but something had sparked within him as Nori pressed him against the wall and kissed him senseless.

Frowning, Bofur decided he’d done enough dancing around his friend. Something definitely had to be done.

\------

Under the loving care of Ari, Dori’s mother, the Yule party had grown from a simple family affair to an event that half the town eagerly awaited. After she had returned to the stone, the duty of planning said party had fallen to her eldest son. Sure, many dwarves volunteered their assistance (and were subsequently denied because Dori knew they were fishing for something a little more than that), but Dori preferred to do most of the work on his own. It may have been stressful, time-consuming, and over in an evening, but Dori felt nothing short of boundless pride as he watched his family and friends celebrate the season together.

Which may have explained why watching Nori and Bofur avoid each other gave him such an aggravated headache. Nori had stumbled home the previous afternoon, a wild and terrified look in his eyes, and holed himself up in his room until an hour before the start of the party. Dori and Ori had looked at each other, confused, but no explanation was forthcoming.

Now Bofur stood forlornly by the punch bowl, staring a bit wistfully after Nori, but making no move to speak with him. Since he clutched his hat in shaking hands, Dori could make out a glint in his hair. He squinted to get a better look, then sucked in a shocked breath when he recognized Nori’s unmistakable braid-work holding a pair of beads into place. His head snapped in the direction of his brother and, yes, there, nestled in the crease of his ridiculous hairstyle, two more mismatched beads on a simple three-strand that stood out against the more elaborate braids of Nori’s beard and eyebrows.

“Mahal preserve these two idiots, that’s how they did it,” he muttered to himself.

Ori, standing nearby, gave him a quizzical look. “That’s how they did what, _nadad_?”

Dori nodded in Bofur’s direction and then gestured at his own hair. Ori craned his neck to see, and his eyes widened.

“Oh! But that’s good news,” he looked at Dori’s scowl and then back at Nori, sulking against the far wall. “You don’t think… they can’t be that blind, surely?”

“I’m pretty sure they are exactly that blind. Why else would they be avoiding each other and jumping at shadows? I don’t even think they’ve realized they left their braids in.”

Ori hummed thoughtfully, going over to lean against the buffet table with his brother. “I’m not sure, watch Bofur’s hands.”

Looking closer, Dori saw that every once in a while, Bofur’s left hand twitched upwards and… _wait, was that a ring?_ Dori groaned in frustration and resisted the urge to slam his head into a wall. Beside him, Ori grinned and popped a bit of cheese into his mouth.

“This ought to be good.”

“I have no idea what good could possibly come of this, _nuddadud_. Nori’s been pining for years, and Bofur’s just as bad.” If they had done something so stupid it jeopardized their friendship, Dori couldn’t see how this would in any way turn out well.

Over by the punch bowl, Bofur chewed his lip nervously and considered his options. None of them seemed particularly good, but he didn’t have much more patience left to deal with Nori’s epic sulk. Not turning away from staring at Nori, Bofur reached behind him and grabbed a cup of punch. Not his drink of choice, but it had enough alcohol to do the job. He downed it in one long gulp before stalking over to Nori’s corner, wiping his mouth on the back of his glove.

Nori took one look at his advancing form and bolted for the door. For once in his life though, the thief was too slow, and Bofur hemmed him in with his arms. They were strong from years of mining and he was confident Nori wouldn’t be able to push past.

He certainly tried, but when he couldn’t make for the door he glared at Bofur. “Let me go.”

“I don’t think so,” said Bofur. “We need to talk about this, because I’m not going to waste our friendship on one little kiss.”

Nori stared at him incredulously, “Little? Bofur, I pulled you into an alley and kissed you without your permission. And that was _after_ we had probably some of the best sex I’ve ever experienced.” His face flushed crimson and he looked away. “It was just to get me out of jail, you didn’t mean anything by it and I took advantage of that, alright? I just wanted to… I didn’t think…”

Bofur cut him off by leaning forward and pressing a gentle kiss to his trembling lips. “You didn’t think I meant anything by letting you fuck me into a wall in a filthy jail cell?” he said with a chuckle. “You said it yourself, it takes dedication to do that sort of thing.”

He pulled back and looked at Nori, glassy-eyed and absentmindedly licking his lips. “Oh,” said the thief. “I did say that didn’t I?”

“Aye, you did,” Bofur said, leaning down to press his forehead against Nori’s. He took a deep breath before continuing. “Those beads I gave you… they weren’t meant for anyone else. I made them for you a while back but the timing was never right. I know they’re already in your hair, but… I love you and would be honored if you would accept them as a courting gift.”

Instead of answering, Nori surged upwards into a kiss, threading his hands through the back of Bofur’s hair under his hat and using them as leverage to pull them closer together.

Bofur grinned against Nori’s mouth and mumbled, “I’ll take that as a ‘yes’ then?”

“Take it as whatever you want but if we don’t get upstairs now I may just have you right here on the floor,” ground out Nori, stepping towards the open doorway and pulling Bofur with him. “I’m sure you’d like that, but I prefer a little privacy.”

On the other side of the room, Ori laughed gleefully as Dori’s eyebrows rose into his hairline. Nori would have shouted something in outrage, but his mouth was too busy. He settled for giving them both the middle finger over Bofur’s shoulder as the two of them tripped backwards up the stairs.

They never made it past Nori’s bedroom floor. The door closed behind them and Bofur found himself pressed up against it, nimble fingers making quick work of his clothes. He wasn’t quite sure how they managed to get unclothed without seriously injuring each other in their haste, but the next thing he knew he was tossing Nori’s trousers away and gasping as Nori wrapped his long fingers around both their aching pricks.

“Not… ah! Not sure I can keep standing, love,” gasped Bofur, the endearment coming as naturally as if he’d been saying it forever. “Legs still hurt from the other day.”

“Right, mine too.” Nori said, sinking to the floor and pulling Bofur down on top of him. Balancing himself on one hand, Bofur reached down to help Nori stroke their cocks together, groaning at the warmth pooling in his belly. Nori wrapped his legs around Bofur’s thighs, pulling them impossibly closer, Bofur’s cock a delicious heat against his skin. He threw his head back and moaned, not caring for once that the people below could likely hear.

Bofur groaned out his name and involuntarily snapped his hips forward, thrusting his cock against Nori’s own cock and their twined hands. He was biting his lip in concentration, ridiculous braids bouncing with each movement, and he was the most beautiful thing Nori thought he’d ever seen.  He felt tension coiling in his gut at the thought, cock throbbing as he got closer to completion.

“Shit, Bofur… I’m gonna come.” he panted, back arching as Bofur grinned and thrust faster, hand clenched tight around them. The world dissolved into the floor beneath him, Bofur above him, and the stream of profanity that flooded out of his mouth as he came hard in Bofur’s hand, painting thick stripes across both their stomachs. His own hand had dropped to the floor to scrabble at the thin carpet, trying to find something to anchor him as Bofur cried out his name. He shuddered as he came to his own completion, collapsing on top of Nori, breath coming in fast bursts, cock still twitching where it was trapped between their stomachs.

Gasping out a stuttering laugh, Nori whispered into Bofur’s hair, “Mahal help me, Bo’, I love you too.”

Bofur answered with a content hum and a kiss to the nape of Nori’s neck. “I’m glad.”

A moment of silence passed, then Nori’s voice broke the calm, “What if we skipped courting and went straight to being husbands? It might come in handy.”

Bofur’s surprised and delighted laughter was all the answer Nori ever needed.

\-----

**Epilogue:**

The day after New Years, Bofur sat in a cramped jail cell, nursing a headache and cursing his own stubborn luck. He and Nori’d gone out for the evening, someone had insulted his choice of partner, and the next thing he knew he was being hauled away to the drunk tank. Really, he should have known better than to throw that first punch.

Letting his head fall back, he stared at the cracks in the ceiling, wondering how long it would be until they let him out. He’d be in here before, but every visit was different. They let you out when they felt like it and not a moment before. He blew a stray hair out of his eyes with a disgruntled huff of breath.

He startled when someone banged noisily on the bars of his cell, holding his head as his hangover made itself known.

“Would you quit that?” he groused, “My head hurts enough as it is.”

“Sorry, Bo’. I can leave, just thought you might want out of this cell.” Bofur’s head snapped up and he met the twinkling eyes of Nori.

“Please, I want to go home and hide in a dark room until sounds and lights stop trying to murder me.”

Nori smirked at him, “Learned your lesson about defending my honor while arse over ears inebriated?”

Bofur shrugged, “Probably not.”

“Right, well… let’s just get you out and we can figure out other ways to get you arse over ears. Ways that don’t involve punching mountains,” drawled Nori. He turned towards the guard that had hesitantly followed him down the hall. “Are you going to let my husband out, or do we need to prove our marriage, again.”

The guard blanched and nearly dropped his keys in his haste to get the cell door open. Bofur would have giggled, if his head hadn’t hurt so much. As it was, he let Nori lead him out of his cell, leaning heavily on the offered arm.

“You’re an ass, you know that right?” he muttered as they passed the duty desk, where another guard gave them a rather withering stare.

“Yeah, but I’m your ass, and I just sprang you from jail. I think you owe me a drink.” Nori grinned as Bofur swatted him weakly in the arm.

“Add it to the list of drinks I owe you, I don’t even want to think about alcohol right now.” Bofur moaned piteously. “Just take me home so I can sleep.”

Nori paused to lay a gentle kiss against his husband’s brow and did just that.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed the smut-filled fest that was this story. Have a very happy holiday season, and may you find good fortune wherever your journeys cause you to wander.
> 
> Glossary:  
>  ** _Balkûn_** – Morgoth  
>  ** _Nadad_** – brother  
>  ** _Nuddadud_** – tiny brother  
>  **Elf Maid** – a dwarven variation on the game Old Maid, no one wants the elf maid (in a standard deck of middle earth cards, I headcanon this as the queen of hearts) One of the other queens is removed from a standard deck to make an odd number of cards. To make the game a bit more fun, the whole deck is not often dealt, and players must draw one card OR steal from their neighbor every turn.  
>  **The drowned mines** – the mines of Nogrod, one of the ancient dwarf cities in the Ered Luin. I headcanon that the lower part of the mines flooded during the drowning of Beleriand. By the time the dwarves resettled the area, the mines were unstable and stripped of anything of value.


End file.
